jasmine soup - ingredients subject to change

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


I'm beginning to realize that I take movies, tv shows, and books VERY seriously. I regularly think of something funny that one of my friends said, only to realize that my "friend" is actualy a character and not a real person.

When something sad happens on t.v. I have trouble shaking it. Jared has to keep reminding me that its not real. But I don't want to succomb to its fakeness. I want it to be true and happening in real time. I think about characters on tv and wonder what they've been doing since the last time I saw them (last episode). I hate endings of books because nothing ends in real life, its an infinite epic and I want to know what happens next, dammit!

This is all stemming from the fact that we have been watching The Office on t.v. and I take the Pam and Jim "situation" very seriously. When Jim kisses her at the end of the first season and all their awkward flirting comes to an awkward head it just kills me. I get practically get butterflies in my stomache like I know these two people and I'm looking on from the closet.

It made me miss being in their position...an uncertain beginning, a first kiss, etc... Being in a long term relationship that you don't intend to break off sort of puts an end to the butterflies. I still sometimes get the feeling in my stomach but it is due to a) a movie or b) something thats not exciting but scary or anxiety producing. I don't think those should even get to be called butterlies...they are more like moths.

I suggested to Jared that we should break up and then get back together so that we could have butterflies again but he didn't think it would work. I guess its sort of a trade off. When I am not in a relationship and I watch a movie and the two people fall in love at the end and its so right and unavoidable and complete, then i just feel like shit because no one loves me like that, i have no one, blah blah blah. Now when i watch one of those movies and I get to the end it reminds me of how much I love Jared and how I am just as happy as the people in the movie. So maybe that makes up for it.

This is not to say that the butterflies lead to something good. Usually not. Would I rather get unending butterflies but never have a "successful relationship" (whatever that is these days). Definitely not. This path is highly correlated with an enending series of disappointments and loneliness. I guess butterflies are the price you pay...


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