Jasmine's Amazing Diet Plan that should be sold on late night tv....with co-host chuck norris
So...the whole holiday extravaganza is officially over, school has started, and I am FAT, y'all. So is jared. Enter....the spreadsheet. DUN DUN (law and order sound).
The spreadsheet is a marvelous diet invention that works amazingly well for people who have the following qualities:
a) are huge dorks and would prefer to do something on a computer that could just as easily be done by hand. (except for all the ADDING suckah! adding is hard. even for math grad students)
b) are willing to commit to memory that number of calories in 1 egg, 1 cup pasta, 1 teaspoon brown sugar, and so on. Ok, actually i have a sortable food index on another page of the workbook. See (a).
c) do not adjust the estimate for the calories in the burrito they just ate based on how many calories they have left in the day.
d) have a girlfriend who is willing to keep track of all this nonsense for you because she would like another opportunity to spend useful time with her baby (see bundle of joy post).
e) has http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc bookmarked. you get points for sitting! i don't usually count those but jared is excited that i count the sex calories.
I tried to farm out my invention on my family. Apparently they lack qualities a-e. but here in the basement, the spreadsheet is working well. Jared has lost about 6lbs in 2 weeks. I have only given him about 1/2 the number of calories he could be eating in a day. I am so POWERFUL!
I have lost about 3 lbs in 2 weeks. I lost most of them last night when I pooped for the first time in 5 days. I thought only old people had to take fiber? I'm sooo not stooping there. Cream of wheat, salad, coffee, cigarettes, and stool softeners but NOT FIBER. Ok, i bought the fiber chewy things and actually they are delicious and I would eat them for candy if i could get rid of the GAZ! fiber sin gaz people! besides, they have calories in them and i'm not about to waste my precious calories. And i didn't do the cigarettes this time because it is cold outside and I had no one to smoke with. If i smoked with any of my smoker friends, they would ask why I was smoking and I would have to admit that I am constipated. Math people are, by and large, not comfortable with poo discussions.
I am also trying to be good and possibly a nursery rhyme writer: monday, yoga day. tuesday, pilates day. wednesday, ab lab day. thursday, try not to kill my students day. friday, internal snarky monologue at the gym day. oh, and sunday's child is filled with sorrow. or something.
I'm waiting for jared to get the hell out of some stupid dungeon so i can go eat an omlette at dennys. i told him to tell his people to fight harder because his girlfriend is really, really hungry!
I've been reading Amalah.com archives lately. She's a very funny writer with about 100 comments per post. It was heartening to read the old posts where she only gets comments from 1 friend and her husband. She wasn't nearly as funny either. Hopefully, I will get funnier and get more comments in the future.
Jared: Aaaaalmost, dude. We're killing the last guy.
me: yesssssss!
Normally i don't care that much about the video game thing. it gives me time to read amalah archives and do websudoku. but these efffing dungeons take forever and apparently jared will get black balled on the server if he quits on them.
The spreadsheet is a marvelous diet invention that works amazingly well for people who have the following qualities:
a) are huge dorks and would prefer to do something on a computer that could just as easily be done by hand. (except for all the ADDING suckah! adding is hard. even for math grad students)
b) are willing to commit to memory that number of calories in 1 egg, 1 cup pasta, 1 teaspoon brown sugar, and so on. Ok, actually i have a sortable food index on another page of the workbook. See (a).
c) do not adjust the estimate for the calories in the burrito they just ate based on how many calories they have left in the day.
d) have a girlfriend who is willing to keep track of all this nonsense for you because she would like another opportunity to spend useful time with her baby (see bundle of joy post).
e) has http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc bookmarked. you get points for sitting! i don't usually count those but jared is excited that i count the sex calories.
I tried to farm out my invention on my family. Apparently they lack qualities a-e. but here in the basement, the spreadsheet is working well. Jared has lost about 6lbs in 2 weeks. I have only given him about 1/2 the number of calories he could be eating in a day. I am so POWERFUL!
I have lost about 3 lbs in 2 weeks. I lost most of them last night when I pooped for the first time in 5 days. I thought only old people had to take fiber? I'm sooo not stooping there. Cream of wheat, salad, coffee, cigarettes, and stool softeners but NOT FIBER. Ok, i bought the fiber chewy things and actually they are delicious and I would eat them for candy if i could get rid of the GAZ! fiber sin gaz people! besides, they have calories in them and i'm not about to waste my precious calories. And i didn't do the cigarettes this time because it is cold outside and I had no one to smoke with. If i smoked with any of my smoker friends, they would ask why I was smoking and I would have to admit that I am constipated. Math people are, by and large, not comfortable with poo discussions.
I am also trying to be good and possibly a nursery rhyme writer: monday, yoga day. tuesday, pilates day. wednesday, ab lab day. thursday, try not to kill my students day. friday, internal snarky monologue at the gym day. oh, and sunday's child is filled with sorrow. or something.
I'm waiting for jared to get the hell out of some stupid dungeon so i can go eat an omlette at dennys. i told him to tell his people to fight harder because his girlfriend is really, really hungry!
I've been reading Amalah.com archives lately. She's a very funny writer with about 100 comments per post. It was heartening to read the old posts where she only gets comments from 1 friend and her husband. She wasn't nearly as funny either. Hopefully, I will get funnier and get more comments in the future.
Jared: Aaaaalmost, dude. We're killing the last guy.
me: yesssssss!
Normally i don't care that much about the video game thing. it gives me time to read amalah archives and do websudoku. but these efffing dungeons take forever and apparently jared will get black balled on the server if he quits on them.
posted by jasminesoup @ 12:12 PM
0 comments
